It’s funny how stuff keeps coming back. The compulsion to reenact trauma is intense sometimes. It’s usually not a good thing to act on, and when I do, it generally creates more layers of trauma.

And then there’s the church. Layers. Layers of guilt and shame, mindsets I don’t even realize I’m presupposing onto others around me, institutions and individuals. The fear of hell and the fear I’m doing something wrong. Scarcity mentality. Terror of things that are new, different. Really, it’s a brain wiring thing. I really want a brain scan. I want to see how my grey matter compares to people who didn’t grow up being scared to death all the time.

Sometimes I make new and better memories. I can’t always tell which experiences will make new good memories or new bad ones. I am sometimes pleasantly surprised. Sometimes things get worse than before. It’s hard to know ahead of time which ones will be which, though I’m getting better at telling.

Someday I hope the pile of good memories outweigh the bad ones.


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