I haven’t blogged lately. It’s not been a super conscious decision, it’s just happened. Life got crazy (and still is) as I’ve been trying to handle full time school and full time work and self-care. But to be honest, it’s been more than being busy. Both in public and private forums, I have watched from the sidelines as scenes of betrayal and backlash have played out on different fronts. Personally, someone I thought I could trust turned out to be a predator. Publicly, two people in the “progressive Christianity” movement whom I thought were trustworthy, different, safe, advocates for victims have engaged in behaviors that are disturbing, even if they fall short of outright harboring abuse.
I’m confused and hurt. I feel like every time I try to trust, try to give Christianity a chance, try to give people a chance, let go of my cynicism and anger and hurt–I get bashed again. I can’t escape. So what is the answer?
People say that I can’t give up on God just because of people. That’s not technically true; I can do whatever I want. And giving up on God…I don’t know. I know that the language of God is triggering and difficult for me. I have tried, again and again, to believe, to go back, to trust again. And it’s been shattered. Do I believe in God? Well, definitely not the evangelical concept of God that I see in their sermons and writing. Perhaps I believe in something supernatural. I’m not sure. It’s not cut and dried. I’m not a label. I will never fit neatly in someone else’s box.
I have trouble writing when I can’t come to a conclusion. I write to work things out, because my head gets really messy sometimes. When I can’t understand something, I write about it, and usually I can sort it out. I can’t with this. I can’t fit all the words and thoughts and ideas and feelings onto a page, or into a post. It’s too…nebulous, and feeling, and scary, and conflicting.
Part of my process is accepting the not knowing. I don’t have to have an answer for every part of my worldview. Some of my beliefs are help simply because I feel like it is the right thing, not because I actually have a reason. And that’s ok. I can express what I think and then change it, change my mind, decide if I’m going to believe that today, or next week, or next year. I can live with the contradictions. I can defend the contradictions by saying that I don’t have to defend them–I owe no one an answer to what I believe or what I don’t.
So I’ll try to keep writing.