I thought it would be easier

Standard

I thought it would be easier.

All the hard work I put in

I thought it would make life after rehab a piece of cake

I thought it would be easier.

Now I knew what to do

go to meetings, call people, get a sponsor—

it played on repeat in my head

Surely if I followed these rules I would be ok.

But I wasn’t always.

My disease didn’t die, and it didn’t give up that easily.

I thought it would be easier

I was on the right medication, seeing the right therapist, doing the right things

But some days I wake up and putting my feet on the floor feels harder than running a marathon.

Some days I wake up and wish I wasn’t here.

Some days it doesn’t feel worth the fight.

I thought it would be easier—

wouldn’t my family and friends be eager to hear about what had changed my life?

If they needed help, wouldn’t my enthusiastic testimony make them seek it?

But it didn’t.

Love—their version of it was so twisted, so broken, so hurting.

Family—what did that really mean? I didn’t feel at home.

Friends—where were they now that I didn’t need rescuing?

I thought it would be easier.

Instead I have to fight

But I have friends who stand in the gap and fight for me.

I have bad days

But I have glorious days, better than I could have imagined.

I have a dysfunctional family

But I have learned that family is not blood—it is who is there for you unconditionally. I have a second family now.

I have wanted to give up

But then one of the kids I tutor texts me: “I love you and you or my frin”

And I laugh through my pain and realize

Life is still worth living.

I thought it would be easier

I didn’t know that easier is not always better.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s